do you remember how the world spun?

i thought i forgot until a dream came before the sun.

a dream of laughter + blue sofa = expensive fun.

from the morning heat, to the shade i have to shun.

You do best calming the quakes

spaces.

lost in spaces.

drag my body between them.

i drag me between them.

nothingness, are traces of you.

i subonsciously submit to myths.

muzukashii mitai. sou desu.

i was counting the numbers, and singing a line from that old coldplay song, i was counting as it was ticking. the elevator's display is a drag, the numbers were too slow. i stood back and thought of what she said, about boundaries, how she knew the state and made me feel like i've been awful in communication. "but that was fair..." i whispered. but that was fair it echoes.

after forever, i heard the sound DING! it was the 5th floor. i stepped out singing the coldplay song, not realizing i've been enveloped by darkness, no presence of light except the elevator's. i cut the singing, turned around. but it was too late, the doors shut and my whole body disappeared. lonely air wraps around me, i cannot decipher anything, there were no windows or doors or floor, i was floating into nothingness, i can't move. i was trying to find the call buttons but they were gone too. this wasn't the 5th floor. this was a dead end.

or so i thought. being scared and all i feel my blood rushing to my face, i was in a panic. i need to focus but the mind plays tricks almost every second. what if i can't get back? what if i tripped finding a way out? i was scared to even squint with my peripheral vision, i was stuck and cold. now i'm cursing the whole asian horror flick concepts. a white ghastly face. stop the imgainations, i'll freak out.

i closed my eyes, as if there had been a difference, just to make me a bit braver, a bit stronger. then i started singing again. same song from the parachutes album, my heart is yours, it's you that i'll hold on to, yea... i almost can't hear my voice, i was hearing something else. i heard someone talking. it's a girl, that's the first thing that came into mind: a lady's voice. she was telling something, it was vague, but after a while i understood. she was calling my name, a far cry. she was instructing me of something, it was far but i'm trying to decipher. and last it hit me. she was telling me to smile. a smile. amidst the dark. and so i wondered for a while. the voice disappeared but not the darkness, i was stuck, asking what the heck was that? most peculiar thing. now. in the dark. smile? i was not to lose hope, i wanted out. and i tried, i smiled. i felt like 10 trucks rumbled under me, i was smiling.

DING! the elevator was back. i stepped back to the light as if i was deprived for a lifetime. i went back in, and stood back singing. i stared at the darkness for a long while, wearing my smile, thinking of that girl, thanking her. i know she wasn't a ghost, she was real, she was living inside me. i smile for her. the doors shut.#

i didn't wish to quit, but the books are all saying how stupid humans, like labrats of this society, are dying every second because of this. i am a plain lab rat, a guinea pig for business tycoons. although death is sure, we are continually hired, without pay, only with a promise of complete destruction.

i'm not accountable for anyone, just myself. i am weak to be lying like this. stuck in a bed that stinks of misery. i was about to shout for help, but someone pulled the plug. i am stopped in the most peculiar position, all muscles strained, with no force to adjust and move.

nothing seems easy, just like drama series tells us. oh and i am such a fan. fan of depression and stress. my life and love reflects this. being bothered, energy source unplugged. crying indifferently everytime i remember. i have my life to run, dirt to clean, be part of a process i breathe since i was born. it never helps to get stuck in shit. i only have myself to pick me up.

i should be dancing, like my life depended on it. but you know me this much, i'll be whispering another sorry soon. for i cannot move my feet, as if it's not mine. and soon i'll be far, too far to fit in the horizon your telescope can reach. or maybe you won't notice me for i will be reduced to a concept, without a body. i'll be a concept of your good pal, floating into a parallel universe in a reeking lonely air. if i'd cross your mind, i'm not sure, i shouldn't be worrying about that, i know you won't. 

because maybe there i can dance, without a body. without physics i can pick up the plug and run again for tomorrow. it will be difficult to accept but i'll get there, whether far or soon. i'll be tough for whatever it's worth, i lost more than i should have. no use in crying over spilt milk, those songs, and the lady. a moment she was there, telling me to smile, then she's gone. it will echo in my head over an over again, until i do.

SPARKS by coldplay

Did I drive you away?
I know what you’ll say,
You say, oh, sing one we know,
But I promise you this,
I’ll always look out for you,
That’s what I’ll do.
I say oh,, I say oh.
My heart is yours,
It’s you that I hold on to,
That’s what I do,
And I know I was wrong,
But I won’t let you down,
(oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will...)
I say oh, I cry oh.
Yeah I saw sparks,
Yeah I saw sparks,
And I saw sparks,
Yeah I saw sparks,
Sing it out.
La, la, la, la, oh...
La, la, la, la, oh...
La, la, la, la, oh...

click and listen to my head