ashtrays are for cigarettes
as blogs are for mental resistant sentinels...
or at least i think.
yeah, could you show me dear, something i've not seen... something infinitely interesting...
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something's in my head, it requests me to sink and not speak. someone told me, "libreng maging masama". i thought my friends are being so different than usual.
i know pretty much about human nature. being selfish and insensitive. but sometimes in certain situations, you'll feel like God grants you the power to control things. even a chance to pull out a tree that ruins the view of the field. when i get stuck in the situation, where you have the strength like a jedi's, the voice back in your head says to not pull it out. thinking something will hurt badly, or maybe a bird i've haven't known might take comfort from this particular wood. until the time expires and we're no longer super and start to wonder how well i decided. wondering because i didn't know what the field would've looked like if i took the chances.
are we getting better or maybe the voice back in our heads speaks louder. or maybe the persons we are are twisting the ideals of humanity. why give way? when it hurts bad and it sucks to be thinking about it everytime. i'm swimming in my own blood again, with sore heels but choosing to run a couple of laps more.
someone told me to shut myself cuz i've no way out of this maze again. press F2 or alt+F4 now, not later. my friends understand if i will or will not quit this soon, thank you for them. but mark told me, "next time, lumipad tayo kasama ng mga malalaya". next time malamig na ang ulo ko, i hope it won't take me long. or maybe i'll practice smiling. (^___________________ ,^) #
Posted at 12:56 am by coffeemonster
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ENI:
days are counting
counting passers-by
counting meals
counting, ticking to death
how do you breathe?
breathe without prejudice
or wake with drive
an instantaneous drive to live
when mythical plagues come
how do you shake?
shake off the shock
reality merges with television
when you're badly sick
of an illness of the welling eyes
how do you keep your floor dry?
it's hard to change back
or even be absolutely bouyant
the counting days are answers
for questions of unwell minds
often confused with procrastination
they never reach a human's height
you won't change a bit
not with a flip of the clocks numbers
but if you try a day everyday
to stop and smile
unwell them and smile
a day at a time#
Posted at 08:15 am by coffeemonster
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this saturday, being a very normal saturday of the month. sun is high up in absolute command, and all goes ranting about her heat.
all that seem to seep into my irritated head was thursday night at katz's M2. i think i am but a homesick boyscout in a jamboree ahead. before it ends i will max the clock with them. so i thought:
friends being shelter and comfort.
is a place of greens where we run without gravity.
be not a stranger after time
be familiar
been it so i lay down with an empty head
how long before we begin
before i'm pulled down
i imagine that scene
but with mass i will stride the streets
look back on that hill
smile
remember the feel
friends like riding bicycles
in the brain adheres
how we drank all up
how we soared the atmosphere.
who could not miss?
who will not miss?#
Posted at 09:21 pm by coffeemonster
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heartbreaking and hopeful thoughts
heartbreaks
for me
is more than a painting of negativity
but it is of the style
makes you wanna burst out
i mean burst out and die
but i tend to fear regretting
regretting self-destruction
regretting indecisions
people like me compute the future
i know some with same patterns
choosing anything spelled "better" ahead
it means even crying
it means their big hearts breaking
now i'm floating down a calm water
i'm not even sure what kind
face up on the floor looking at the stars
i know i am able
being tranquil and stable
able to reach to hearts
shattering into a million shards
broken hearts like dug holes
go thousands of feet deep
dug and left to the darkness it bears
but with hope in mind
everyday will be an inch of soil filling in
somehow, someday
the depths will level
laughter will be back
new paths will unravel
Posted at 01:22 am by coffeemonster
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i got a lot of things swimming in my head right now; ma'am dj and the class i didn't attend to this morning, the books i'm simultaneously rereading, my dead cold hard disk and all the photos i lost, and the car i'm waiting for. i guess i'm sick again with the thinking-too-muck syndrome i've had last sem.
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what is stuck in my mind right now is manila and the lights that tried to fit but just dimmed to the dirt we emit. i'm in our roof deck and i see faint neons of ads and billboards. different signages that had been there since i was in high school. we don't look like nothing after years of development. we are uniquely defined by the structures i see outside, reflecting our lifestyles as careless filipinos. dirt of the buildings, sleeping beggars, pedicab drivers killing each other just to get a passenger, 100 toyota corollas passing in an intersection in 30 seconds, and me blogging in english.
it's in us, i don't plan to change. it's me. many people would raise their eyebrows, but i'm not so optimistic... not tonight#
Posted at 06:03 am by coffeemonster
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yes. after a year now. she's cold and dead inside my refrigerator. my hard disk drive where half of my thesis was in, my college pictures, boa videos, a vast collection of stolen mp3's from rock to jazz to classic to jpop to kpop to bossa nova. my cutie cute 12.7 gig HDD is just a metal case that cannot emit any electrical charge which prevents access to a couple of years of my life. that's big time crap i tell you.
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i'm sick and sad listening to my brand new 30 gig HDD hum the last few boa songs i've stored for back up in a cd. 30 gig without anything in it, it's like an amnesia amidst the second semester of your junior year in college. i'm so frustrated... damn.
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make it pass#
Posted at 02:12 am by coffeemonster
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itsumo... kubo ni nomikai...
hay nakow! ryt now i still have my hang-ups from yesterday's drinking session. yes!! again!!! and women took me down last night!! i was really drunk yesterday. left them all fine and dandy and smiling. those girls really have alcohol streaming in their veins. god, i'm taking a break.
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i was with kate last saturday in greenbelt. yes that was my misadventure again since kevin and i first went to fullcup. grabe we were walking along the whole perimeter of ayala center just to find that damn terminal back to dasmarinas. and guess what, there were no more that evening. so we had to get to abs to meet her boyfriend.
i was really tired but hanging out with kate that long was so worth it. i really love that girl, no dull moments and i mean, she's rational like most of the women i meet in college. some girls back in high school stay stuck in their high school mentality, but katrina, she's smart that's why i sooo love to spend time with her, plus she's pretty, plus she's sweet, plus we love to sing out of the blue. thinking about it, i kinda miss her again, considering i was with her last night hehe. i'm gonna visit her again sometime.
nomanai. hontou ni..
Posted at 02:32 am by coffeemonster
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this summer some people i've seen told me i'm getting to dark. odd thing's i almost never go out of the house, here in manila neither in cavite.
anyways, i've lost all that i've learned from the past. take notice how i start this entry. anyway i think my mind junctions are in dissaray as if some mad scientist had tampered it and malfunctions every once in a while.
see? i wanted to leave that paragraph as is. i think i'm emotionally upset. not being with people i really wanted to be. leaving the school for some time made me see the people from forever ago that i've not been since, yeah, forever.
there's my high school buds. i think we are almost the same as before. we just got higher alcohol tolerance. especially kate, she's a hell of drinker now. i really missed that sweet girl back in high school. it was so lovely to see her.
now i'm thinking about my study in the exhibit. i don't really know why i can't come up with a concrete one, it's just that i've been reflecting about a topic i really don't understand. really! yeah, love.
i think this break tears me up to pieces of different egos. i guess i'm a frankenstein with all the patched up body parts thinking for it's own and dominating the whole body for 30 minutes. yes my flipping thoughts are changing every half an hour. it's unhealthy i tell you. especially when my phone beeps twice a week. and i never exaggerate. liar. it feels like it, twice a week. really!!
think i'm crazy? i think i am. good thing i didn't get any illness, yet. thank god anyways.
Posted at 06:32 am by coffeemonster
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i was dizzy waking up at eight in the morning. i was supposed to be waken by ate lory at seven but i didn't have the mood to get mad at her or even ask why is she doing the laundry and i've over slept in an hour. i thought, maybe i answered back again while i was sleeping, like i always do. that sleeptalking can really get me in to trouble someday.
my tooth aches really bad. i've never thought it would come to this. i guess now i know the feeling of a dying chestnut, before it is opened. the left part of my head feels numb and aching to the point that every muscle seems to contract with all its might.
what hurts my head is that the final plate for vm can't be finished by the dynamic duo: me and tim. of course i don't want to get to details because it hurts the other part of my head more.
our carelessness and lax attitude. barkadas, women, sleep, they keep us from getting other numbers than cinco. yeah, cinco, go, five, whatever language we use it's the same integer that leaves me an extra year.
i'm keeping fingers crossed, and finding ways to raise my luck. if the red papers come without the f word i'd be so glad i'd never enter the org room again. you wish...#
Posted at 04:43 am by coffeemonster
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not the band.
i was leisurely strolling back this afternoon right after i did walk a frog to the other side. ust was a lot different. the greens are of a differnt hue, maybe a bit brighter for the summer. turning to the right was a the horizon of a field never as green as before.
the strange part was the gloom of the day. yes, there's an upcoming typhoon i've heard. it's just that dark clouds aren't my thing. i can't blend well and it affects my mood. today it hit me amidst the greenest greens you could ever lay eyes on manila. that's how powerful the sky was.
when the sun shuns away, it's cool and the colors fade into nothing but words or intangible, and idle entities.
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happy burpday frog.
meow
Posted at 07:51 am by coffeemonster
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